Pastoral ministry is an incredibly rewarding, life-giving walk with God. But it can also be a challenging occupation filled with unique pressures and hurdles. One of the most common struggles pastors face, which often goes unspoken, is the challenge of asking and receiving help when necessary. Few of us naturally excel at admitting vulnerability or need. For pastors, this vulnerability may feel particularly acute given their role as spiritual leaders, and thus perceived need to always have the answers or appear fully confident.
With grace and vulnerability, respected pastor Tim Keller has opened up about this reality in his own life. Keller believes that many ministers mistakenly think they should have all the answers or should always be strong. He admits, “I used to assume the longer I had been a Christian or a pastor, the less often I would have to say, ‘I don’t know.’ As time passes, actually just the opposite seems to be true.”^{1}
The beauty of the church as the body of Christ is that we were never meant to operate as singular, self-sufficient individuals. We are knit together in love, interdependent, functioning as Christ’s hands and feet in our world. Pastors, you are no exception, and in fact, leading a people well means honoring your own weaknesses and understanding the strength that lies in calling on others to help strengthen your ministry and care for those in your flock.
In this blog, we will unpack the sources of this struggle, share insight into overcoming these tendencies and provide practical ways to ask for, and even receive, help as a pastor.
Acknowledging the Sources of Struggle
The need to identify with our resistance to asking for help often starts by acknowledging the roots of pastoral discomfort with admitting our limitations. We’ve identified six key sources of this struggle.
1. The Call to Shepherd
When we accept a call as a pastor, there are both exciting expectations and significant responsibilities attached to this role. Unfortunately, some of these perceived norms can create an expectation on the part of the pastor to seem infallible and have every answer at their fingertips. This unrealistic expectation can contribute to an increased sense of pressure surrounding the need to remain self-sufficient on the job.
2. Fear of Judgment
Given the power dynamics in a pastoral relationship and the potential for pastoral missteps in the public eye, it’s natural for pastors to fear that admitting a need for help might lead to doubt over their call or lack of competence. No one wants to see their shortcomings displayed for the whole congregation, especially when they’re in a leadership position. This makes it hard to ask for help, even when it’s necessary.
3. Perceived Threat to Authority
Admitting our need for help can feel like a loss of control or authority in the eyes of the congregation. After all, the pastoral role comes with the privilege and responsibility to lead others in the pursuit of Christlikeness and growth. To open a chink in that armor, can seem daunting. By admitting to having limited knowledge or resources, pastors can view this as a vulnerability for congregants to question, and perhaps even reject, them.
4. Difficulty with Receiving Help
It’s equally important to note how the ability to receive and accept help from others can also be challenging. Sometimes, the willijgness to ask for support is only half the equation. If pastors are not set up to graciously receive guidance from trusted allies or colleagues, it becomes harder to break through the barrier in the first place.
5. Faulty Arrows of Comparison
Often, pastors compare themselves to a false or idealized narrative of what a successful minister should look like. This narrative is typically one of infallibility, perfect words of wisdom at every turn, and omnipotent resilience. Given this distorted perception, asking for help feels antithetical to what being a pastor “should” look like, making the need to ask and the act of admitting need even more distressing and unnatural.
6. The Myth of Self-Sufficiency
Lastly, the idea that a pastor should be able to do it all alone perpetuates the belief that you need to achieve and maintain a façade of independence and mastery. The myth of the self-sufficient, solo leader creates the illusion that seeking and utilizing the help of others is a sign of weakness or deficiency. This can leave pastors feeling unequipped, ill-prepared to respond to their own struggles by reaching out when necessary.
Transcending Barriers: Steps to Asking and Receiving Help
Now, we move from uncovering our struggles to overcoming them. Here are a number of steps pastors can take to embrace the beauty of interdependence within the body of Christ by humbly asking for and receiving the help of others.
1. Embrace Vulnerability
Becoming comfortable with sharing your humanity, admitting your mistakes and expressing your uncertainties is the first step in understanding that it is safe and acceptable to ask for help. Remember, you are called to be human, not God, and your congregants admire and esteem your willingness to be real with them. There is freedom in embracing vulnerability.
2. Externalize Inner Dialogue
Admitting your needs is difficult when you're unsure if you're alone in your feelings of inadequacy. Recognizing others also struggle can help remove the belief of a deficit or shortcoming. Cultivate a transparent environment with your peers or other church leaders with whom you trust to share your experiences. Then, you can learn to externalize your inner dialogue with these words, such as, "I'm struggling to admit I don’t have all the answers and could use some help."
3. Leverage Your Peer Group
Form strong relationships with other spiritual leaders who have experienced similar issues to build a network of colleagues to whom you can reach out for help. Having a resource of colleagues in the faith community to whom you can voice concerns or seek advice can be a godsend when you are feeling the pressure to go it alone.
4. Foster an Environment of Acceptance
One of the most helpful things churches can do for their clergy is to actively foster an atmosphere where needing help is okay, even encouraged. Doing so promotes a genuine sense of teamwork and reliance among the church body. In this environment, the pastor, as part of the body of Christ, is freed to ask for and receive much-needed assistance without the weight of unrealistic expectations.
5. Communicate Thoughtfully about your Struggles
Once you begin to test the waters of asking for assistance, be discerning about whom you seek input from and the method with which you inquire. Choose those you respect, but also consider their reputation for approachability, understanding, and nonjudgementalism. Practice transparency and grace in communication, and choose the timing thoughtfully.
6. Create Protocols for Support
Prepare yourself for the moments when you realize you need the support of others. Create a plan of action. Who might you call upon? Is there a list of men or women whose expertise, wisdom or experience, you could tap in times of trouble? Building relationships before a time of crisis sets you up for success during those moments when you find yourself in need of help.
7. Mentally Prepare for Graceful Reception
Understand that receiving help does not diminish or demean you as a leader. Prepare your mindset to understand the importance and beauty of leaning on the resources of others. Proactively believe in the positive value of receiving counsel and the power of being honest about your own strengths and weaknesses.
In conclusion, it's critical for pastors to remember they are called to lead as part of an interdependent body—each contributing their strengths while recognizing and filling in each other's gaps. While asking for help doesn't come easy to any of us, and for pastors in particular, we hope these insights have shed light on the path to a greater sense of interconnected and life-giving ministry.